So this morning I woke up, rubbed the sleep out of the corners of my eyes, stretched with the same nagging shoulder and neck pain I’ve been waking with lately and realized…I am officially 35. I have been truly blessed by all of the cards, presents, text messages, phone calls and Facebook messages for this monumental occasion. I thought the only reasonable thing to do was give back to all of you with the musings of a woman on the verge of midlife and give you a laugh with a list of things I have found to be truths over my three and a half decades and take a look back on some pictures…a few of which should be burned!
In 35 years I have made my share of mistakes but I have never been a believer in regrets…primarily because the best lessons I’ve learned in life were born out of digging out of some really deep holes and I realize that my life is really pretty great! However there are a few things I wish I would have known early in my adult life that would have made the road a little less bumpy, free of self deprecation, and whole lot more fun…I now share this with all of you, a list of 35 lessons learned in 35 years in no particular order.
1. Life is too short to not take risks every now and then… but don’t take them too often because life is short!
2. You CAN choose your family
3. Give your husband his balls back – he may not do the laundry the way you would do it, but hey he didn’t have to help and sister, you can’t fix the car the way he can!
4. I’ve had a tattoo, a nose piercing, been to jail and been shamefully drunk… all of which were just dumb.
5. Starbucks is crack but let me go down in a green apron back alley with a caramel macchiato hypodermic needle in my arm!
6. I was born in Colorado, live in Kansas City but Paris is my home and I want to die in Tahiti.
7. There are no short cuts…all that stuff you are doing that seems hard, it is worth it.
8. Be passionate about something; God is embarrassed he gave you breath and you gave him mediocrity!
9. Cough syrup doesn’t work…and neither do antidepressants.
10. Being dramatic is who I am; intriguing, but exhausting.
11. Martinis take the edge off, but tequila is EVIL!
12. Don’t pretend to love anyone its unfair to them and poison to you. If you do love someone…love them dramatically!
13. You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t mean it, apologize; when you did, accept the consequences.
14. All that time you spend watching TV is a huge, huge waste of life…except for the Amazing Race and So You Think You Can Dance, now those are really good shows.
15. When you get on a swing with your kids, don’t just rock back and forth, go for it…go as high as the bar like you did when you were a kid.
16. Halloween is by far the best holiday ever and dressing up is cool!
17. Going back to school in my 30’s sucks and school loans are like a noose around my neck but apparently I’m not done learning until I can learn to take a hint.
18. I’ve made some great friends in my life and I have lost some great friends. Make sure you keep more than you lose or you might find yourself alone.
19. When riding a bike squeeze both breaks when attempting to stop; when popping a zit, make sure the counter top is dry. Both of these can land you in the ER.
20. Be honest even if it hurts you or someone else, lies are hard to keep track of.
21. Discipline your kids it makes them respectful adults. Put a stop to child abuse, it rapes the innocent and casts a shadow that lasts a lifetime.
22. Fighting for your marriage may be the single most challenging event of your life, you may lose, but it’s worth fighting for. Ask your kids.
23. The greatest book ever written is the Bible, but the “Twilight” series is pretty good too!
24. Take yourself on a date; a satisfying meal, a good movie, powerful music, and chocolate are as effective as hours of therapy.
25. Diets are retarded; the Kyomara body shaper saves lives. Embrace your squishy parts.
26. If you are in a conversation and you are not asking questions, then it’s a monologue.
27.There is no shame in being homeless, buying clothes from Goodwill, living in the ghetto, receiving food stamps and being insured by Medicaid…it gives you character and hey it frees up money for travel and acrylic nails!
28. Doing Disney World at night with preschoolers is definitely the way to go.
29. Breastfeeding in public is neither obscene nor offensive, but your teenage daughter with her midriff showing and “Juicy” written across her ass is!
30. Yoda, Dr Seuss, and my 6 year old are some of the smartest people I know.
31. Telling your kids the stories of your youth is both healing, entertaining, and a great long-term insurance policy for a failing memory in your old age.
32. Invite a stranger or a bum to a holiday meal…or the Mormon missionaries to Christmas dinner; truly some of the most enlightening conversations I’ve ever had.
33. Don’t tell someone you’ll pray for them; get down on your knees and do it right there, yeah like right now!
34. High heels and waxing may be painful and impractical, but the results sure are sexy!
35. In my 35 years, I’ve cleaned houses, slung pizza, taught preschool, served coffee, delivered babies, designed interiors, arranged flowers, had my own business, and put people to sleep…most rewarding job ever…motherhood!
So that’s it, not an exhaustive list of all I’ve learned but well lessons none the same. At 35 I know I am most miserable when I am comparing my life to someone else and I am at peace when I compare myself to me. Yes; I may not have written that book that I’ve dreamed of writing. Things don’t always turn out the way we planned. I am not really accomplished in any sense of the word. I don’t have an ultra-glamorous job, and I’m not jet setting around the globe. But to take a look back on my life and see how far I’ve come makes me smile and sure as shit should make my parents proud. I have much more compassion for myself than I used to and I am learning to forgive. The old folks reading this are shaking their heads at all I have yet still to learn and the young ones thought it was funny and will go on to make their own mistakes. But somewhere in the middle has been my truth, my love, my hate, my fear, my pleasure, my passion, my struggle, and my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way…Happy Birthday to ME!
